Trusting with Open Hands (and some tears)

It’s May and the goodbyes have already begun.  

For those who read my blogs and have missed me over the past few months, I’ve had a bit of writer’s block.  I need to write, want to write, and just don’t find the words. It's hard because I don't want people to worry about me nor think I'm depressed.  I'm not.  I am actually very healthy.  But if I'm being truthful, I've struggled to find the words -- the right words since December.  In the background of ministry here, I have been dealing with the reality that my life is about to change.  In some senses, I am about to start over... at least for a little while. I've been praying to God for discernment, asking Him for peace and praying for Him to open or close doors according to His will.  

I know God’s calling on my life is missions and to serve the local church full time.  And for the last few years, I’ve understood the need for a strong Biblical base.  I feel a responsibility to know His Word and help encourage and equip others in the Word of God.  So last summer, I visited a seminary.  In December, I applied while crying at the possibility of being accepted and having to leave a place that I love and people whom I love.   I continued to pray for doors to open or close according to His will.  I got accepted.  I knew I could only go if I got a pretty big scholarship.  I applied.  In March, I found out that I had been given a scholarship.  God swung the door wide open.

Breathe. This is really happening.

Today marks exactly 6 years that I moved to the Dominican Republic and in just two weeks I will be moving back to the United States.   While I know that this season is one that God is leading me into and that excitement will happen once I flip the page, this final chapter is a hard one to finish.  

(If you’d like to know more about my decision to go to seminary and how you can help, please email me at acorinnechristian@gmail.com.  I'll also be posting a letter that I sent to supporters with more information in about a week.)

The rest of my post is not a cheerful one.  Like I said, these last few months, while filled with some great moments, have been hard.  And while it may not come through in this post, I am at peace with my decision for the next chapter and sometimes I do get excited.  But at times, I am also a little scared of change and overwhelmed by all of the details.  So right now, I have decided to allow myself to grieve my life here. I'm leaving a place that I love and God is teaching me to trust Him in the midst of it.

I resonate immensely with Paul in 2 Corinthians 12 when he talks about his weakness.  His thorn in his flesh kept him from being conceited and taking the credit for God's work.  Throughout my journey in the Dominican, God has reminded me over and over about my weakness and His strength.  This move is no exception.  I believe that going to seminary is an act of obedience that will enrich God's calling on my life and refresh me so that afterwards I can step right back into ministry.  Right now however, this change feels like a thorn.  It hurts.  So, in this post I boast about my weakness... for where I am weak, He is strong.  May God's power rest on me.

Looking back...

We’re at the Mak House celebrating the end of this literacy cycle.  (The most advanced group isn’t ready to graduate yet.  They need just a few more months to really solidify writing sentences and their fluency.)  I hand out certificates to the volunteers, recognizing two who have had 300 hours of service.  I give some summer homework and books to the women who have made so much progress this cycle.  Ladies begin handing me gifts.  They are nicely wrapped.  What’s happening?  Some are crying. They are hugging me one by one.  One whispers, “I’m going to miss you.” Another says, “Thank you.”  

Tears stream down my face. 

I’m not ready for this.

I'm in Chichigua, the community where I fondly know all of the people, have prayed with most, and feel the most comfortable.  They are the minority. They or their parents or grandparents left their homes to have a better life.  They are sometimes marginalized.  They struggle for papers.  They face a lot of spiritual warfare.  They are the less educated.  Many don’t have jobs. The last few months I have helped one who has some mental health struggles.

They have embraced me as one of their own.  They invite me in to chat, pray, eat, sit, and learn. We’ve worshiped together, cried together and laughed a lot.  

These are the people God has placed most closely in my life.

I’m going to miss them.
I can see the sadness in their eyes too... 

 

 

It’s the last week in May, and I find myself sitting in the small concrete church with the parents from Chichigua. We’re having our last Family Empowerment meeting and it deals with sex. There are lots of problems surrounding this issue and our kids and the communities we serve.  There is little education.  We want to break the cycle.  It will take time.  Andrea and I guide the kids outside. We’ve planned a program so their parents can learn kid-free.   The kids climb up on the boulders.  They get quiet. Eyes staring, I begin telling them the story of Jonah, flipping the pages and asking questions along the way.  They are familiar with the story.  We talk about disobedience and consequences.  We talk about God’s grace and forgiveness. The kids sing two songs about Jonah.  It’s getting dark.  I pull out my tablet and a small speaker to show the 20 minute story.   They’re in a trance.  There are about 20 little ones crouched on the big rocks gazing at the screen that I’m standing up holding.  We hand out crayons and a color sheet.  They spread out closer to homes where there’s light. 

Someone’s asked that I enter the church.   Leaving the kids, I head in a bit confused. I see Jenna and Tatis and the pastor and his wife.  Why are they here? They don't usually come to these meetings. There’s murmuring...  There’s a video.  People begin to cry. They tell me they will miss me. The meeting ends.  Lots of hugs.  Some unhappy looks.  More tears.

This is the second time this week that I find myself in a room of people crying.  The third time that I find myself crying almost uncontrollably.

What’s going on?  Why do I feel this way? I’m in a daze. This is happening way too fast.  I haven’t even told everyone in the States yet.  I just don’t know how I will.  When I tell them I’m leaving, it’s going to become real.  I do not know if I’m ready for this…. 

 

But I know I need to be filled. And some months ago I made a decision — after a lot of prayer and advice. Is this real? I feel overwhelmed.  Have I messed up? Will I regret it?  This has become my home.  These have become my people. I’m leaving them. I have feelings of guilt.  Am I really strong enough to do what I believe God is calling me to do?  I don't want to hurt them. Am I brave enough to leave the people I love, the ministry I love, and start again? What will happen next?  Will I come back? So many tears... and I still have so much time.  It feels like too much.

Trust me.

Breathe.

Just trust me.

I open my hands.

The next few weeks are a blur.  I am finalizing and printing the Adult Literacy curriculum to pass on to Alida, the new literacy coordinator.  The school year is ending.  The school has pre-school graduation and the end-of-year award ceremony.  We have a party and our last Bible Study with the high school girls.  I am asked questions about my going away party. We all go to the beach before many of the Americans head their separate ways for the summer.  They pray for me.

More hugs.  More tears.

It still doesn’t feel real. 
There’s so much time left.
I'm not ready.

It’s mid-June and a group of 30 teachers and Mak Staff have planned a trip to the capital city just to enjoy the beginning of summer.  It could be my last opportunity to do something fun like this with the teachers before I go.  We bike ride in the Colonial Zone.  We eat, laugh and just enjoy one another. 

I’m going to miss these people.

 

Family Empowerment goes on an excursion to end the year as a team.  We go to a small island — a piece of paradise just 2 hours away.  How have I never been here before?  

Oh, I’m going to miss my team!  

They've been my family for the last two years.
I couldn't have done this without them.
We've prayed so much, cried so much, spent so much time together.
I don't know that I want to leave them!
There is still so much to do... 

I spend a week in Family Empowerment meetings to evaluate this year. God is working.  We spend hours thanking Him, reflecting, and thinking about adjustments. 

The next week they plan for next year while I have to clean out my space.  My time with Family Empowerment is coming to in end.  This doesn't feel real.  I don't want to go.  I'm so tired.  All of my things fit in a small plastic box.  I turn in my keys.

I help groups ministry with VBS.  We are in Chichigua with the theme "Jesus is my Superhero. " My energy is low.  I’m exhausted.  Reality is settling in. 

Let me give you rest.

It’s going to be okay.  

Trust me.

I open my hands.  

God, take away my worries... my doubts.  Help me be present and intentional.  Help me enjoy this last month with the people I love. Help me give you the details of this next step and be confident in my decision. Give me physical and emotional rest, God.  I want to believe that You will take care of me. 

Breathe.

I make a list of people I want to spend time with and ways to be intentional. I write down some places that are on my bucket list and start thinking about how I am going to sell my things.  How can I end well?

God, I feel you with me.  
You make me strong.
I'm trying to trust you.

It’s the second week that I'm helping with VBS.  I introduce group members from Texas to my friends in Chichigua.  We pray for God's strength, remembering that we are just His fragile vessels.  We teach the kids about Jesus and His miracles.  We sing!  We dance!  The kids astound us with their ability to memorize verses and their overall interest in God's Word.  I tell the group that many have parents who don't know the Lord.  Seeds are being planted.  God, make a difference in this community through the kids.  I translate for a group member as he shares the Gospel of Jesus with a father.  I know their family struggles spiritually.  He's one of the literacy lady's husbands.  God please help him to see you, to know you.  You could make such a big difference in this home.  I teach the team the happy dance.  It's been a great week!

Thank you for giving me strength.  
Thank you for giving me joy. 

Thank you for giving me peace.

I find myself on a bus on the way back from Quisqueya.  Yulerna, one of the Bible Study girls is next to me. I've taken her with me to Quisqueya to see where I first served.  In the last couple of days I've visited my former Bible Study ladies, the 5 girls that years ago I thought I may adopt, some SCORE missionaries and others with whom I worked at Emmanuel House.  I spend a day at the beach with my friend and sister in Christ, Mirqueya. We relax and enjoy God's creation. 

There is a lot to think about. 
So much has happened in just 6 years.

Reality is hitting me.  

I'm moving...

I don't know when I'll see them again.

God, when will I come back here?

OK, I am choosing to trust you.
Thank you for the people you've given me who love me so much!

  

There are so many things on my list to do.

There are people I want to visit before I leave, kids I want to spend time with.

I cannot believe this change is happening.

I cannot believe the day I leave is almost here.

July 24 is quickly approaching.

I have loved being here -- being in people’s homes, sitting and listening to their stories and praying for and encouraging them.  I have enjoyed sharing about Jesus and what it means to have a relationship with Him.  I have been challenged to truly understand the gospel and be intentional about sharing it and encouraging other Jesus followers to share.  I can see my flaws, my weaknesses and my deep need to always be connected to God. I recognize that my passion is teaching and discipling… kids, teenagers, women... about their true identity.  I love reminding them of who their creator is and how He showed them love by sending His son, Jesus Christ. And reading!  I love helping kids and women learn to read. I want them to have the special opportunity to read God's Word!

... I never thought I would leave this place, God.  At least not now...And yet, I know this is right.  I want to be obedient.

This next chapter is going to be a good one! I want to see what you are going to do with me.  I know You're going to grow me.  I also think the transition is going to be hard.  And, I know You've connected me to these people for a reason.  Lord willing, I will stay connected to the people here, the church and the ministry that I've been serving in.  I cannot see, God, but you see all.

You ask me to trust you, God....
I trust you.

You tell me it’s time to fill up and learn.
I am ready.

You assure me You'll take care of me, go with me and provide for me wherever I go.
I feel you close.

I open my hands, God...
tears streaming down my face.

Full Days. A Full Heart.

When I sit back and think of the last few months, I feel like I've been running a marathon.  My schedule has been full. And yet, it has been fruitful and good.  God has been teaching me about patience (as always), the importance of consistency in His Word, and how important community is for me.  God has deepened many of my relationships over the last few months.  And I am so grateful for that.  My heart is full as I think about all that God is doing!

Literacy Cycle III.  In February, we began the third cycle of Literacy.  We have 9 women currently in the program, with one new woman.  Each woman has the opportunity to learn on her own pace and is learning to read and write.  This cycle we are concentrating on helping the ladies learn to write sentences and we have added the last part of the program which involves Growth Mindset.  The key word is "todavía" or "yet."  There are many things we don't know how to do or cannot do... yet.  Having a mindset that we may not know now but can learn in the future is a mindset we want to help our moms have and is something they can teach their children as well.

Fan Fan and Jolanda.  Lord willing, Jolanda and Fan Fan will graduate from the literacy program next month.  Their eyes are open and they are reading, writing, thinking critically and learning.  They also are bringing reading home and have both told me that one way they practice is in bed at night with their kids by reading their Bibles and other books and having their kids help if they get stumped.  We are hopeful that after finishing the program they will be able to participate in schooling offered by the state if they desire.

Jewelry Making Workshop.  Makarios hired Alida, a new member to the Family Empowerment team in mid February. I have been working closely with Alida with literacy and helping her to develop other aspects of the Adult Education Program.  During the month of March, she led her first class, helping women learn how to make earrings.  A local ministry partner and friend, Elizabeth, taught the class.  We hope to have another class in May with some of the women from Quisqueya coming to teach moms how to make products from recycled goods.  The class served as a wonderful way to share about God and teach a practical skill.  Pictured below is one of our mothers creating some earrings after just a few weeks of learning to crochet. 

Trinity Visit & Makarios Winter Retreat.  In February, my church visited from Atlanta and had the opportunity to visit Makarios and the communities and then the Makarios staff all traveled to Jarabacoa for the second year in a row for a mountain retreat.  This year was special because in addition to having my church home lead the retreat, we also had a visitor from Missions Training Institute, Deb.  She had one on one visits with each of the missionaries.  The retreat as a whole was very filling!

Adorned.  Since March, Jenna and I have been leading a group of woman through the book Adorned by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth which is based on the concepts in Titus 2.  The book study has been challenging, educational and fun.  My favorite part has been the diversity of our group.  It is made up of women -- the youngest being about 20 and the oldest being about 70 -- and all Christian women from our Makarios and church communities.

Bible Study.  I continue to lead Bible study with two fellow Makarios teachers.  We lead a group of 6 girls each Friday and are going through a study of practical issues that they face as teenagers like peer pressure, suicide, gossip, and temptations and help them understand what the Bible says about each of those issues.  They have lots of questions and interest in God and the Bible and also it is obvious that they have a lot of struggles and tension between what their flesh wants and what God wants for them.  Can you come alongside us and pray for them?  The picture below is of the girls, along with Missionary kid, Myah and her friend Katie who were visiting during Spring break.

Writing Workshops.  I had the opportunity to give two writing workshops to Makarios School teachers on creative writing during the month of March.

Wesleyan School.  Wesleyan visited the Dominican during their spring break and I had the privilege of working with them some, showing them my favorite community and introducing them to many of my friends and co-workers.  Additionally, two girls decided to sponsor a child, and I got to introduce them to her at her home in Pancho Mateo.

I now find myself in Atlanta.  I'll been in the States until the end of April.  I have two events.  One is a speaking commitment at Providence Church in Ormond Beach, Florida.  I will be talking about missions and our call as Christians to go into the world and make disciples.  And, on April 25, I will be selling Dominican artwork at the Wesleyan Artist Market to raise funds for Family Empowerment.

Trusting God. Believing like David.

I remember years ago having the habit of asking my Spanish class if David from the Bible was good or bad.  Seniors in High School, who had been in a Christian school their whole lives and many who came from Christian families struggled over that question.  It's a hard one.  "David is good,"  they would answer. Pause. "Wait but he did some bad things.  He did some really bad things." "Well which one is it?  Is he good or bad?" They'd ask.  And they would be stumped.

For the past few months, I have been reading about David.  In my personal quiet time, I am in the book of 2 Samuel and in our missionary Bible study, we just finished reading through Psalm 119.  Various things stick out to me about David:

He was courageous, had a clear understanding, respect, and love for God, and he desired to do God's will.  And at the same time he was human and suffered the consequences that his sin had on his family and his life.  And yet, God showed grace and was faithful to His covenant with David.

When we first meet David in the Bible, he's a kid, a shepherd boy, and God's chosen future king.  He's the unlikely choice to fight Goliath, but does so and defeats the philistine giant.  Later,  he "fails" when he lusts after Bathsheba, hides her pregnancy and kills her husband.  This man, who is clearly chosen by God and has shown His deep love for Him struggles.  And yet, over and over again, he refocuses, repents, and keeps going.  He's a perfect reflection of life as a Christian, of our human struggles, of our need for God's grace, and of the daily need to look to God for direction.

David, like all of us was human.  He was a sinner like us all.  He struggled to keep God's commands like us all, and yet he had a deep desire to follow God plan and serve Him.  Other things that catch my attention and that I can learn from:

David was patient. He was anointed as a boy to be king and waited until he was 30 to have that position.

David was forgiving and merciful.  When I think of all the ways that Saul came after him and the evil that he desired for David, I am amazed at David's respect for Saul as king, forgiveness, and non-vengefulness.  And again, David showed all the same characteristics with his son Absalom who tried to kill him and take his place as king.

David accepted suffering.  There is a point towards the end of 2 Samuel where David is being cursed by a bad man.  And David basically says, "It's okay. God is allowing it." (2 Samuel 16:10-12) Wow!  

And David, in spite of his humanness, in spite of his weaknesses and suffering, was used by God.  He loved God's Word.  He remained steadfast even in the midst of struggle.  And God used him as one of the men in the lineage of Jesus -- in spite of his mistakes and wrong steps.

This past month I have been reflecting on my own need for God, my missteps, and struggles.

I, like David, love God and want to be in His will, do good, and serve Him.  I want for my eyes to be fixed on Him above all else and yet, the fight with my flesh is continual.  The more I know God, the more I recognize my sinful nature.  I struggle with being a Martha.  I struggle with my desire to be comfortable and avoid change or "the messy stuff."  I struggle to be courageous. I struggle with anxiety and fear. And I struggle to put my trust fully in Him, to spend enough time with Him, and to believe that what His Word says is true for me. 

I know that God, in the midst of struggles, is asking me to trust Him. 

In the last month, many around me have come to me and shared in confidence some problems that they have in friendships, in marriage, and with ministry.   I thank God for those moments because it is a testimony to my friendships and deepening relationships with the people here.  I can't fix their problems and often I can hardly give advice, but GOD CAN FIX IT.  And in the past couple of months, I have witnessed the un-relenting spiritual warfare that presents itself in this culture in the form of demons.  And I thank God for those moments as well, because although scary, I am reminded of the spiritual realities of the kids and families we serve and IT CAUSES ME TO PRAY THAT MUCH MORE.

And God reminds me of the fact that this world is sinful and that Satan hates Him and those of us who follow Him. He reminds me that our hope can only be found in Him. He reminds me that He is my constant in the midst of all the changes around me.  And, He reminds me that courage and strength comes from Him alone. 

God,

Give me faith 

to trust what you say

That you're good 

and your love is great

I'm broken inside

I give you my life

I may be weak

but your Spirit's strong in me

My flesh may fail

but my God you never will

-Elevation Worship

May God give us His strength, true faith, and trust in Him alone.  He's at work!

A GLANCE AT MY LIFE THESE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS:

Chichigua and the Local Church.  I had the opportunity to be the link between a local church in Puerto Plata and the local church in Chichigua.  I gave them a tour of the community, introducing them to my friends in the community and the Makarios kids and they prepared a VBS-like program.  It was great to have a local Dominican church reaching out to a mostly Haitian community in such a dynamic way.  Please pray that more local churches would reach out to the communities in need  around them.

Literacy. Our second cycle of literacy has come to an end.  We have had classes three evenings a week since September.  Lord willing, two ladies will graduate from the program at the end of next semester.  Please pray that the women and will stay committed to the program and for them to have confidence that they can learn!  Please also pray for God to provide some more volunteers to help out!

Discipleship.  Family Empowerment has a weekly discipleship program for new believers.  I got to teach the class about prayer a few weeks ago.  Please pray that these women would continue to learn God's Word and guard it in their hearts and that they would get connected to a local church if they are not already.

Interviews and Applications.  This past month, the Family Empowerment Ministry has begun to accept applications for Makarios' 3 year old class for next year.  Meet Louis and Alex, two of the kids who will most likely be a part of Makarios next year.  They are from Chichigua and have older siblings in the school.  I also get to visit and spend time with them when I am in Chichigua.   Please pray for the process of finding new families and discerning who should be a part of the newest Makarios class!

Girls Bible Study.  Earlier this month, we had our last Bible Study with high school girls until January. Their questions and curiosity about God's Word shows that seeds are being planted and that God is working in their hearts.   Will you pray for them to come to know the saving grace of Jesus Christ?   

Goodbyes.  This last month has been a month of goodbyes which has been hard for me.  Some of my closest friends here have moved or are moving soon.   Please pray for me, for Makarios, and for my friends who are moving as they experience transition.

Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Thanks, as always, for your prayers and support.  God is definitely at work here!  To HIM be all of the glory!

END OF YEAR GIVING.

Are you interested in giving a one-time end of year gift to support Makarios and the work that God has me doing here?  If so, click here. Your financial support is always a blessing!